If you want a smoother divorce (and a cheaper one), start here: your written communication. Not your parenting plan. Not your asset spreadsheet. Your texts and emails.
Because conflict is expensive. Every blowup turns into:
- extra meetings,
- extra attorney time,
- extra delays,
- and more emotional fallout.
Colorado courts lean heavily into alternative dispute resolution for family cases, and the state’s self-help guidance is clear that mediation is part of the process for many people.
So let’s talk about the unsexy secret: a few communication rules can prevent 80% of the drama.
The core mindset shift
Your ex is not your therapist. Your inbox is not a courtroom. And your goal is not to “win.” It’s about reaching workable agreements with as little damage as possible.
The “No Blowups” Rules (steal these)
1) No big topics by text.
Text is for logistics: pick-up times, quick confirmations, “received, thanks.”
Anything emotional, financial, or nuanced goes to email or a scheduled conversation.
2) One topic per message.
When you stack issues (“Also… and another thing… and while we’re at it…”) you invite chaos.
3) Use time boundaries.
No messages after bedtime. No messages before coffee.
My favorite rule: if you wouldn’t want to receive it at 10:47 pm, don’t send it at 10:47 pm.
4) Add a delay.
If you feel your body rev up, you are not ready to reply.
Wait 20 minutes. Or 2 hours. Or overnight. You’re allowed.
5) Don’t litigate in writing.
Written communication should move the ball forward, not re-argue the past.
6) Stop trying to correct their reality.
You can’t fact-check someone into calm.
Focus on the next action, not the narrative.
7) Use BIFF-style replies (especially with high-conflict personalities).
BIFF = Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It’s designed to reduce escalations and keep you out of endless back-and-forth.
BIFF examples
Scenario: They send something insulting.
“I hear you. I’m going to keep this to scheduling. I will pick up the kids at 5:00 pm as planned.”
Scenario: You need a document.
“Please send the last two months of bank statements by Friday at 5:00 pm so we can finalize our financial spreadsheet. Thank you.”
Scenario: You disagree, but you’re not taking the bait.
“I don’t agree with that. My proposed option is ____. If you prefer a different option, please send 2 alternatives by tomorrow at noon.”
Scenario: You need a boundary.
“I will respond to messages about the kids and scheduling. I will not respond to personal insults.”
The “Clarity Upgrade” (small changes that prevent fights)
- Use neutral subject lines: “March calendar” / “401(k) statement request.”
- Use bullet points for logistics
- Confirm agreements in writing after a call:
“Confirming we agreed to ____ and ____ by ____.”
Why de-escalation saves money (not just feelings)
Court-related conflict eats time fast. Colorado’s own court ADR materials emphasize mediation as a “speedy and economic” path and note that many family cases reach at least partial resolution in mediation.
And research summaries commonly report mediation being far less costly and faster than litigation, with many cases reaching an agreement.
Translation: Every time you prevent a blowup, you prevent a bill.
When mediation tends to work best
Mediation usually works best when both people can do at least some of the following:
- share basic information (even if begrudgingly),
- stay in the room (or Zoom) without intimidation,
- make decisions based on reality, not revenge,
- accept “good enough” solutions.
Colorado’s Office of Dispute Resolution outlines training expectations for court-connected mediators and offers lower-cost mediation options for those who qualify.
When mediation may not be the right fit
Mediation may be inappropriate or unsafe when:
- there’s coercive control or ongoing intimidation,
- there are credible domestic violence concerns,
- one party refuses financial disclosure,
- one party is actively trying to punish or “win at all costs,”
- someone cannot negotiate safely without legal protection.
If any of those are in play, talk with a qualified attorney and/or a domestic violence advocate before choosing a process.
Want The Short Version?
If you change nothing else this month, adopt this: Brief. Neutral. One topic. Time delay. Forward-focused.
If you want help setting up communication ground rules tailored to your situation (including co-parenting), that’s exactly what I do in coaching and mediation consults. Schedule a free consult, and we’ll map your next best step.
Educational info only, not legal advice.
Next Step
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👉 Download How to Tell My Spouse I Want a Divorce
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